Internet Safety Tips From Someone Who Doesn’t Care

Published on January 24, 2008 by Quan Vo

So, do you have a young kid? Do you have the internet? Are you afraid? Well you should be. As we all know, the internet can be a great resource for learning and it can teach you everything you might need to know and yada yada yada. Well, whatever; we all know that for the most part we all spend probably 95% of our time on the internet playing games, chatting, procrastinating… generally wasting time. So sure, it’s easy for kids to accidentally type the wrong word into google and end up with a shitload of porn, or for them to befriend the wrong 14 year-old girl who actually ends up being a 42 year-old guy named Bill with a strange affinity for children. Well if you have children and you’re afraid of this happening, then keep reading and maybe your child will survive…(cue dramatic music here) the internet…

Alright, so first of all you might be asking, “Is the government helping me protect my child online?” The answer to this would be both yes… and no. “How?” you may ask? Well technically there is a law that is supposed to make sure no personal information from your child is given without your knowing and consent. However, let’s be real people. If a 12 year old wants a MySpace(I hate MySpace btw, Facebook too) page they’ll probably know a way around it. Thus if you really want your child to be safe on the internet, you need to follow through with your job description. Be a parent!

Next are the built-in parental controls. These can allow you to block any content you might find “objectionable”. Now should little kids be allowed to see anything pornographic? Well we’ll all agree that it’s probably wrong. But as for me, I don’t believe in censorship and while these tools will definitely keep the kids away from it, it can also block out plenty of perfectly valid topics from the eyes of your child. Now do you really want to stunt their emotional growth like that? Now you may still be worried that your children will come across porn on the internet. Well there’s definitely a lot of it and there’s probably no way you can possibly block all of it. So your best defense is once again to do your job and teach them right and wrong like you’re supposed to. Rather than blocking it all and pretending it doesn’t exist you should stop being so damn lazy and teach them how it’s bad. Yes they’ll probably see some type of porn on the internet accidentally, but come on. They’ll probably be living in mountains of the stuff by the time they’re 17 or so anyway, so you might as well teach them while they’re young and impressionable.

Now for those creepy guys in the chat rooms. You just need to teach your kids to be smart enough not to become a victim. It’s not that hard. Let your kids know not to give out any personal information. Tell them not to meet with strangers. Tell them to never give out too much information. If, after all this, they still get stuck in a bad situation. Your final salvation might be to just give the kid away to someone who probably at least “loves” them. Heartless, you say? Yeah, probably, but let’s think about this. You taught them well, showed them right from wrong, instilled strong values and principles in them, told them how to stay safe online, and they still got mixed up with pedophiles. Your DNA mixed with your significant other’s DNA and somewhere along the way something went wrong and you ended up with a proverbial lump of coal from God. It’s time to just cut your losses and move on.

Now there may also be some signs that your kid’s already involved in this stuff. In which case you’re probably screwed anyway. But just to let you know, here’s what you should look out for. If your kid gets gifts in the mail from people not named Grandma or Grandpa, it might be time to ask some questions. If you get phone calls from people you don’t know, they could very well be wrong numbers, telemarketers, or it might be the pedophile of your nightmares as well. Then, if your kid turns the monitor off immediately when you walk into the room, there’s a couple implications. The most likely one is that he is looking at porn. The other is that he apparently has mastered the alt+tab shortcut; he’s also probably not cut out to be 007. Anyway, the point of this whole post? Just be a better parent. Then your kids might get into some shady stuff and still be able to come out the other side unscathed. You have no one to blame but yourself, although I wouldn’t blame you for suing for a boatload of cash. If your kid’s screwed, you might as well make some money while you’re at it, and you would definitely have a more legitimate complaint than the idiot woman who burnt herself with coffee.

Responses to "Internet Safety Tips From Someone Who Doesn’t Care"

1. Noel Madali says...

   Very very educational, though I am alot smarter when it comes to watching my…movie rentals on the computer.

2. concerned parent says...

   Mr. Vo,
   You have failed to take into account the difficulty of controlling what is exposed to our children. Regardless of my ability to be a great parent, there is so much crap on the internet that I cannot control. It isn’t a matter of me “being so damn lazy” but rather of the internet being such a dangerous, unsecure place.

   -concerned parent

3. Shelby says...

   Hey nice one Logan.

   I didn’t know you had kids. Not quite as damn lazy as Quan presumed.

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