On the left is a screencap from V for Vendetta, the futuristic Wachowski Bros film in which Natalie Portman shaved her head. More recently, she can be seen with hair and sporting a sultry green bodice in The Other Boleyn Girl. On the right is Sinéad O’Connor, the hardcore Dublin-born songstress known for such onstage controversy as ripping the Pope’s photo during an SNL performance and condemning pedophilia (in that order).

On the left is formerly plus-sized and former presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee. In the middle is Gregory Itzin, well-known for his role as the morally-corrupt President Charles Logan from Season 5 of 24. Finally, on the right is the Watergate headliner Richard Nixon. It appears that if Nixon and Itzin had a son, their spawn would look like Mike Huckabee.

Beauty
Betrayal
Bad writing
Bana (as in Eric)
Bastard child
Bitch
Beheadings
Boleyn.

On Friday, I had the pleasure of seeing the drastically delayed The Other Boleyn Girl. Even before its release, all the Boleyn buzz was negative, with claims that the studio delayed the release (originally scheduled for last year) due to a lack of confidence for any Academy nods (a claim that is not completely baseless). As a loyal ScarJo fan and fanatic for Natalie Portman, I just HAD to see it: two of my favorite leading ladies together on the big screen and the claws come out (as the trailer misleads, much of the animosity is one-sided). Cynically and lightheartedly walking into the theatre with lowered expectations, I was surprised that it was not as bad as I thought it would be.

A bit awkward at first as the brighter lights of the previews revealed the true demographic of this film: middle-aged book club matrons, old couples, and younger chicks with other chicks or whipped boyfriends. I felt as if I was in the re-release of Somethings Gotta Give, an old–aged–chick flick in which most of the audience “no longer bleed” (an in-movie crack at the less than attractive Catherine of Aragon and her dried-up inability to bear the belly-fruit). These were the type that would applause for the TRAILER for the Sex and the City movie . . . Nonetheless, nothing could deter me from watching my two screen sirens amalgamate very convincingly in a veritable Reeses cup of guilty pleasure.

Maybe those well-meaning studio execs had unrealistic aims for the film to get like a Best Picture nod or something and they were severely disappointed. They should’ve reconsidered and released it earlier for a possible Best Cinematography or Art Direction nomination. I just loved the panoramic shots of the castle and the calm-before-the-storm atmosphere. Aside from this, the cast, and period piece wardrobe, the movie had little redeeming qualities. The writing was bad–which is ironic for a movie adapted from a novel–as the cast struggled with the material they were given. The situations were quite implausible with a VERY subtle seduction attempt with an excruciating delivery as the backdrop . . . not to mention the creepy and absorbed uncle of the Boleyn siblings and his obsession over the King’s sexual appetite with lines like “How many times did he take you?” Speaking of the King, they should’ve chosen a more fitting actor than Eric Bana who was bland and not regal in any sense. Maybe he should take some pointers from his Showtime Henry VIII counterpart Jonathan Rhys Meyers from The Tudors.

The female leads, on the other hand, are a different story. Through the rivalry, we see Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman take on characters that are beyond their typecasts. Scarlett still has a sexy role, but is less of a temptress as the other Boleyn girl (Mary) . Breaking her trend, she plays the good girl and pulls off sweet and innocent (evocative of her early performance in Girl with a Pearl Earring). Natalie Portman is amazing in her sinfully delightful yet doomed portrayal of the ambitious and seductive Anne Boleyn, who dawns a blatantly symbolic green dress. The women occasionally stumble as they maneuver the weak dialogue and get some laughs and some “oh-no-she-didn’t”s in the catty exchanges between the spurned sisters. I am completely enamored by Natalie Portman as the malicious and power-hungry bitch, giving out the most animosity and looking hot while doing so in low bodices and baring neckline adorned with a tacky “B” necklace. The two complement each other so well that you momentarily forget that they are tossed about and whored out by their own father and uncle as their mother passively disapproves.

Spoiler Alert!
Oddly funny and very upsetting at times, you are led to hate almost all of the characters. Too focused on the numerous antagonists, you forget about the protagonist and she doesn’t return to the spotlight until the bloody end. Aside from Mary, the only other likeable character is poor George Boleyn (played by Jim Sturgess from Across the Universe and 21). But perhaps this arises from pure pity as George is unknowingly dragged into the fold as epitomized in the cringing PG-13 incest scene, signaling Anne’s final desperate attempt to get pregnant and leading to the ending we all know too well.

I love it unconditionally, but I have to give The Other Boleyn Girl a B.